FabricLake

Joking Words!

A few definitions in the airline industry from the best online dictionary.

Carry On Bag - An item, usually of large dimensions, which somehow managed to fit under the passenger's seat on the inbound flight. Regardless of what the passenger says the following are not acceptable as carry-on items: bicycles, refrigerators, truck tires, or wide screen projection TVs.

Flight Schedule - An entertaining work of paperback fiction.

On Time - An obscure term, meaning unknown.

Fog - A natural weather phenomenon which usually occurs around an airport while the surrounding areas are clear. Fog is controlled by the airlines and is used to delay flights.

Air Traffic Control - A game played by airline pilots and air traffic controllers. The game has no rules, and neither side knows how it is played, but the goal is to prevent flights from arriving in time for passengers to make connecting flights.

A man was driving a black truck. His lights were not on. The moon was not out. A lady was crossing the street. How did the man see her?
It was a bright, sunny day.
Can you read the following? Yy u r yy u b I c u r yy 4 me.
Too wise you are, too wise you be, I see you are too wise for me.
Do you say, "Nine and five is thirteen," or "Nine and five are thirteen" ?
Neither. Nine and five are fourteen.
How can you tell the difference between a can of chicken soup and a can of tomato soup?
Read the label.
How can you tell twin witches apart?
It's not easy to tell which witch is which.
How did the man feel when he got a big bill from the electric company?
He was shocked.
How do pigs write?
With a pigpen.
How does a boat show affection?
It hugs the shore.
How many animals did Moses take on the ark?
Moses didn't take anything on the ark. Noah did!
If a boy is spanked by his mother and his father, who hurts the most?
The boy.

What happened when the cannibals ate a comedian?
They had a feast of fun!
What happened at the cannibal's wedding party?
They toasted the bride and groom!
When do cannibals cook you?
On Fried-days!
What does a cannibal eat with cheese?
Pickled organs!
What do you call a massive witch doctor ?
Mumbo jumbo !
What did the cannibal mum say to her son who was chasing a missionary?
''Stop playing with your food''!
What do cannibal secretaries do with leftover fingernails ?
They file them!
How can you help a starving cannibal?
Give them a hand !
What was the cannibal called who ate his father's sister?
An aunt-eater!
What happened if you upset a cannibal?
You get into hot water!

"Do you turn on your computer with your left hand or your right hand?"
" My right hand."
" Amazing!Most people have to use the on/off switch."

Computer helpline?
Everytime I log onto the seven dwarfs website my computer screen goes snow white....

Customer: I cleaned my computer and now it doesn't work any more.
Repairman: What did you clean it with?
Customer: Soap and water.
Repairman: Don't you know you're not supposed to touch a computer with water?
Customer: Oh, it wasn't the water that caused the problem...it was the spin dryer!
Customer: I think I've got a bug in my computer.
Repairman: Does your computer make a humming noise?
Customer: Yes.
Repairman: Then it must be a humbug!
Did you hear about the monkey who left bits of his lunch all over the computer?
His dad went bananas.
Does the school computer have a brother?
No, but it's got lots of tran-sisters.
Excuse me, this computer has a cake instead of a plug.
Yes, sir, it's a currant bun.
Helpline? I've just pushed a piece of bacon into my disk drive!
Has the computer stopped working?
No, but there's a lot of crackling.
How did you get so good at computers?
I went to night school.
How do you stop your laptop batteries from running out?
Hide their trainers.

Office Dictionary (Best Online Dictionary)
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing who's to blame for a missed deadline or a failed project.

Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

Ego Surfing: Googling one's own name.

Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.

Ohno Second: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a huge mistake.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Kids, Oppressive Mortgage.

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Treeware: Printed documentation or paperwork.

Xerox Subsidy: Free photocopies from one's workplace.

Which is the best online dictionary as there are too many online dictionaries available?

here is the newest and - what i consider - the very best:

http://www.iad21.com/

Vote:

the best online dictionary

Best Online Dictionary

Best Talking Dictionary

Best online dictionary w/Pronontiation?
Question pretty much says it.. i need an online dictionary that will help me pronontiatate the words because i dont know how to say some words. I've tried cooldictionary.com but when i download the sounds it wont work. Is there any other ones out there?

Try this one:
Best Talking Dictionary

One Less Lawyer!

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he
called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is
it or the express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon,
why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer
was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and
it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the
lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late,
tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before
you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,
"One less lawyer . . ."

Discuss Nuclear Power!

A stranger was seated next to a blonde on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, - "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know, said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" and he smiles.

OK, " she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger, visibly surprised by the blonde's intelligence, thinks about it and says, - "Hmmm, I have no idea...."

The blonde replies, - "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Skin Surgery!

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

A Mother's Best Online Dictionary!

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Prepared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."